I always find that my time spent with my family is a bittersweet experience. I love my family deeply, but I constantly feel like I have to make excuses in my mind for their actions or words or on a more personal aspect, defend my beliefs and knowledge. It makes it difficult for me because I am so opposite of them. I make sure to educate myself in a manner so that I can understand all individuals in the world, no matter what continent or country they come from. However, anytime that I make an attempt to educate them about another culture or way of living I receive a slur of “why do you hate america…amrine you’re american, act like it”. I just dont understand when being american simply meant that I had to be naive in my way of thinking and that I could not stand up or correct anyone in regards to another culture. Its a battle for me each time I am around particular members in my family as I feel like I can not even be myself. I have dedicated years of my life to learning about others around the world, learning languages in attempt to understand others and their way of thinking, but I am unable to even share any of this knowledge with my family without receiving a backlash.
Is it so wrong to want to learn more, to want to have an open mind in the world? How do I battle between the line of being seen as “anti-american” vs. simply wanting to learn? How do I convince others that the only way is not the american way and that simply because I suggest a difference, that I am not trying to say that it is better?
I dont get it….how did I turn out so differently from everyone in my family?
I was told recently that I am very different from my sister, which I have heard before and strongly agree with; however the way that I was told and this particular individuals reaction to one incident suprised me and forced me to think deeper about my family. The more I thought about it, the more I felt sad about the way things were and as each incident occurs, it just makes me feel worse. I value my family so much and would do anything in the world for them, but honestly sometimes I just dont feel that it is reciprocated. Again…how did I turn out so differently?
As I said…its bittersweet and honestly makes me feel sometimes that I dont belong anywhere because they do not understand what I am truly about……
I feel like its them vs. me. 😦
So…….really……where do I belong???