I find myself searching
for the road
meant for me.
always a wrong turn.
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why wont this map load
to show me the way.
why are you so hard to find?
I crafted this image of us
Intertwined as one
For more than one night.
I did it again
And let my heart take over
During the throes of your kisses
And the touch of your hands.
I shared with you the inner beings of my soul
As you continually fooled me with your lips
And took in what you desired.
I did it again
And fell for your sweet nothings
I did it again
And thought you were the one
I did it again
Gave you me.
I am midwest born and raised
on heartland dreams of escaping to somewhere new, somewhere better,
anywhere but this kansas suburbia that was my childhood.
I am defined by the lack of importance I was to you,
the court-mandated visits, your reckless state of being,
the closets I hid in to avoid the fights and glass being thrown,
and the constant let down of your lack of presence.
I am a blurry night of others taking what was not theirs,
using what they desired and leaving me to pick up the pieces from their wrath.
…I still haven’t found all the pieces yet.
I am an emotional wreck of disappointments,
let downs, and a mental scrapbook that holds
more memories of heartbreak and pain than it ever will of peace.
I am the definition of independence,
constantly falling down and relentlessly pushing forward
striving to live my life with the values my father taught me,
and the morals that are laid upon that cross.
I am broken,
pieces of my heart stolen, bruised and battered,
but still hopeful to one day learn what trust is again,
I am standing here, arms wide open,
nervous, afraid, vulnerable, wondering
if I can be accepted as the damaged individual that I am.
This device seems to be broken
spinning everywhere but north.
forcing my decisions down the wrong paths
and into this darkness.
Overshadowed by the past,
stumbling towards the future
but getting nowhere fast
As I look into the mirror
unable to recognize who I’ve become
I ponder over this heartache
and all the lies I have spun.
I’ve been searching for a solution
at the bottom of each glass,
but all I have found
is that nothing ever lasts.
There’s an emptiness inside me
that I’ve been trying to fulfill,
with temporary moments that
in the end only bring me guilt.
Who have I become
in the midst of this pleasure and perverse?
Why are these emotions so strong and ruling,
when I’m all out of sorts.
I’ve transformed into someone
I am unable to recognize,
a girl with a broken compass
searching for an answer….
…….in all the wrong places.
My worries are pressed against the pedal,
revving for a reason
to stay here…
The sun soaked pavements that lie ahead
tease me with
their paths of possibilities and
endless exits at every turn.
The glimpse of freedom is just ahead,
around the corner of that hilltop,
and near the end of the road.
This highway constantly feels like the
answer to all my let downs and cries for help
that will carry me thru the end.
is filled with lovers and lies
under restlesss nights of
wishing against the stars
that I’ll find the key-
the key to this ache that consumes me.
that has wandered miles
in search of an answer.
Which country-which state-which town-
will provide me what I need
for this emotional unstable being that I’ve become.
Is there a cure,
for this feeling,
this ache in the depths of me
thats held on for years
fighting to never break free
and give me peace.
Is there a future for me…
where this void,
this god forsaken void-
will be filled?
Here you are again,
to run, run, run
as fast and as far as I can
into the gently abyss of the unknown.
My inner being desires to sprint,
leave everything behind,
and get lost in the pavement,
be forgotten in the sunrises and sunsets
of each passing day.
My heart screams for anyone to listen,
to save me from these closing walls,
that fuel this anxiety
to run…to sprint…
to leave everything behind,
over, and over, and over again.
When will this anxiety cease?
When will I find a place that brings,
happiness and tranquility?
will it end?
Love as I have known it in the past
is a breaking dam of feelings,
rushing and taking over every course of your body
every thought, every action, every step.
Love as I have experienced it before is…
but yet it makes it way to control you.
But love now,
written out before me
Is this love?
Where is the passion?
Where is the heat?
Fear is the answer;
stolen from me,
How do I, How do I fix it?
I want the passion,
I want the heat,
I want to be fearless in love.